[RangerRick]

A very wealthy husband and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife.

"I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

[KsiFitch]

Hahaha! This definitely made my day.

[KsiFitch]

A guy brings his pet duck with him to the movies.

The ticket seller tells him "You can't bring a duck in here, sir!"
The man, feeling disappointed, walks away with his duck.

He thinks "Maybe I can sneak him in!"

So the guy takes his duck and stuffs him into his pants and returns to the ticket window to buy his ticket.

It works and he takes his seat in the crowded theatre next to an elderly couple.
As the lights turn down, the man unzips his fly and lets the duck poke his head out to watch the movie.

The elderly woman next to him is mortified and turns to her husband and whispers "Ed! The guy next to me took his thing out!"
Her husband tells her "Just try to ignore it. I wanna see this movie!"

She decides to try and ignore it but a minute later the woman turns to her husband again, more urgently, and whispers
"Ed! His thing..."

"I told you, just ignore it!"

"But it's eating my popcorn!"